Here It Comes Again

Several mornings a year I fight the impulse to crawl back under my blankets and hide. On those days, the calendar is not my friend. January 5th, my birthday, is first, followed closely by April 5th my parents' anniversary, and later on being Mothers Day, Then Sept 5th my Mom's birthday, and closely followed by October 6th the day my mother died. Which gives me a breif respite before the holiday season begins. One month later, while I'm trying to figure out how to revise the Roman Claendar to catapult myself straight from October to February, the card stores and supermarkets set up their holiday displays, reminding me of the Christmas that I wont be having like I did when I was younger. I used to pretend that these days didnt bother me, even tried to ignore them at first. But the insidious thing about anniversaries is the psyche always knows they're there. Our internal Calander doesn't just let them slip away. Certain days or times of the day, week, or year, can act as cyclical triggers, resurrecting greif. Holidays, crises, and sensory reminds can bring up the old feelings again too. "STUG" reactions; aka: Subsequent Temorary Urges of Greif. They hit you when you are least expecting, like on some idle Tuesday afternoon when you are walking through a cross walk on your lunch break, and it's like someone or something just hit you in the guts so hard you collapse in the middle of nowhere into a little ball crying and trembling you want your Mom. No matter what age you are, you'll have these days for the rest of your life. (or that's why they tell me.) It's normal. I sometimes I sit here, yearning for "normal," was going out for lunches with my Mom on her days off. Grocery shopping on Saturday mornings, and then cleaning the house the rest of the days with the music crank, the windows open mid-winter, and the fire place red hot and working over time. Or baking cookies and cooking gourmet meals together. Learning the things she used to show me when I was 6 years old... and didn't really pay attention to because I thought she'd be just that phone call away when I got lost in a receipe. Looks like I completley miss judged that. But what little girl at age 6 thinks her Mommy wont be there when she's older? I'm 20 years old now, and have a few friends getting married and thinking of starting families. I look at them and their "Mother-Daughter" times and still say "I can't wait!" but then when I sit back and think about it...There's nothing in my wishes or dreams of planning a wedding or thinking of having kids that's the way I've always dream. . . the one and most important thing missing is My Mom. She wont be there to sit down with and vent about the in-laws if we're having issues, to make invitations with, to plan the big day with, go dress shopping, decoration shopping, be intreged by her ideas and thoughts, be there to share tears of excitement, joy, fear, and maybe even a few disappointments. From the big, to the little detials most people probably never even thought of... other than finding the "love of my life" the excitement and happiness during these milestones of life aren't as bright as they used to be for me. The closer I get, the more I think about it. The more I ponder on running away and someone planning my wedding for me. I just have to show up. Takes a lot of the memories and fun out of it, however it would be an easy way of avoiding the disappointment and a lot of grief as well as emotional roller coasters. I have a lot of great friends and one amazing Pa and 2 brothers. There's just a bond between a Mother and a Daughter that no other soul can fill no matter how hard they try, and no matter what they do or say. It's an empty void one lives with forever, and it's always over times of happiness suchas; anniversaries, birthday's and holidays that we are reminded upon these times. I for some reason have this longing to know things about her that I never knew. Things like, how much am I really a spitting image of her personality, traits, pysic, emotionally, and even if i look more like her than my Dad.. Im a little sick of hearnig that after so many years now. The biggest compliment one could grant me is to tell me i remind them of my mother. She was an amazing indivdual and if I could be half the woman she was, I'd be considered blessed. I will always have this sense of not nowing and longingness for her presences. RIP Mom.10.06.02 Love You